I am very excited for today's email, simply because I have my soul to pour out. Those are always the best forms of communication, from what I have been able to tell :) The week started out great; everyone in my CCM group got to go to President's house for a special year mark lunch (even though I have less than 5 months left...QUE ES ESTO?!), and it was great to see everyone and have that moment to catch up and share some experiences. We took a picture together as gringos, it was crazy to see how small our group has gotten. Talk about enduring to the end!
We also had a great multi-zone meeting, SO spiritual and fantastic. We talked a lot about El Plan Piloto, it's possible that that little experiment put on by the area presidency will be released to the whole mission work in the world! I hope so, it has proven to be very miraculous. We did a fun activity where we all had a number sticker on our badge from 1 to about 120, and at random moments, President would just call a number, and we would have to go up and share something about what we learned from general conference. I didn't get to share, but my comp and another hermana and I put together a special musical number in less than 10 minutes to sing for the meeting, so I still felt pretty good about the spiritual contribution ;)
Also, side note, I want to be just like my mission president's wife when I grow up! She is a mom of four, mission president's wife, speaks 3 languages as far as I am able to tell, is learning how to speak Latin, and President B made a comment about her learning how to make a new kind of bread this last week for a dinner that they were doing for some friends. I mean, it requires a super woman to be able to do all that! Did I mention that she is also the early morning seminary teacher in the stake where my mission President is also the STAKE President? That is nothing short of divine assistance.
So this week, let's just say it how it is, it is a struggle. I don't even know how to describe it without saying all that I have done before. The only difference is that it seems to be going downhill. In all of our tiring efforts, we are continuing to see next to no progress. It is a huge blessing that my comp and I are such great friends, that we have amazing unity and when we actually get to teach, we do it with the spirit and it's GREAT. But after five weeks of next to nothing, and putting a lot of effort into staying happy and positive, we both fell a little bit. We both had moments where we just cried.
Not crying because of the lack of success, really. But crying because we both started this change with so much energy to work and we still have a humongous love for this sector and everyone in it and we don't even KNOW all of them. And with all that we are doing, nothing happens. I know that we should suck it up and accept that the mission is just LIKE this sometimes, but it's hard. The mission is just hard and you cry sometimes. Saturday was the hardest. We got back to the pension and were just so exhausted, and that ugly little thought had come into my head that was so obviously of the adversary that said "how long do we have to suffer like this until something happens?"
Once that entered my mind, I immediately felt distraught and I pushed it way out. But I still felt alone. As much as I know that God loves me, that my family supports me, that my comp rocks, that I have those that I love and that love me all backing me up, I was not able to overcome in that moment the extreme feeling of loneliness that came over me. I went to bed after planning for the next day hoping that I could wake up and the feeling would have left, but it was still there when I arose the next morning.
But then came the Sacrament :) I just prayed to be able to feel less alone, to receive the strength to keep doing this and to continue on with this energy and love and endurance that I started out with and that I do NOT want to lose. I do not want to get frustrated or negative or discouraged. I only have so much time left to fully dedicate myself to the Lord, and I do not want to waste a moment of it. I just gave my soul to the Lord in that moment. Like taking off a backpack full of boulders.
Side note- for my baptism, some close family friends made a small, patchwork quilt for me that they explained to me was a representation of the gift of the Holy Ghost. I remember Kyle Wilson wrapping it around my shoulders and that being the first time that I recognized feeling the holy ghost, and it was warm and loving and beautiful. You better believe I cherish that patchwork quilt to this very day! Anyway, the point is that since then, the WAY that I feel the spirit has changed, but I have always remembered that first time just screaming YOU ARE LOVED.
And as I sat there in our little chapel in Chile, pouring out my soul to My Maker, I had that same feeling come. It felt like the first time since having the quilt wrapped around my shoulders and feeling the immense love of my Heavenly Father for me. It was just Him saying "you are loved." "you can do it." "you can make it."
I will quote Kim Harkins in an email she sent me a few months back- "Satan relishes in throwing us off track. WE CANNOT ALLOW IT. NOT FOR ONE MINUTE. THERE'S JUST NO TIME FOR IT."
Couldn't have said it better myself :)
And of course there were some great moments this week. It wasn't all blood, sweat and tears (literally.). We found more less active members that are just READY to accept the gospel again in their lives. We found a new investigator to teach, my companion contacted her when she was in divisions while I was at lunch with the President, and at first she said that she was NOT interested, but that we could come back because her husband is inactive. But when we came back and took the time to talk to and get to know them, she opened up more and we were able to share a message with them and invite the spirit into their home, and now she wants to continue listening. I of course am able to recognize all those little blessings. I just know that something wonderful is going to come from all this work that we are doing :)
Guys, the church is true :) I just know it ;) Be bold, stay rad, do what you do and let your light so shine!
Hermana Harkins
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